Tuesday, March 09, 2010

"The Real Story of Purim" by the "Kiddush" Committee

The Real Story of Purim

So you thought you knew the story of Purim, eh? Well guess again. That Megillah you heard a week and a half ago was just the story they want you to hear. We are offering you the real story. But you can’t tell anyone……it’s a secret….shshshshshsh…..

The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern, with a little help from the "kiddush" committee.

Chapter One.
Buttercup (who’s real name was Esther, but she didn’t want anyone to know she was from the Megillah) was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite pastimes were learning Torah and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was MordeWestley, but she never called him that. She called him Farm Boy. For example, she might say something like "Farm Boy, fetch me that pitcher that's only a foot away from me." “As you wish” was all he ever said to her. That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying "As you wish" what he meant was, “I love you.” And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

Meanwhile, King Humperveirosh decided he needed a new wife and set his sights on Princess (Esther) Buttercup. However, he soon learned that she was in love with MordeWestley and he would have to eliminate MordeWestley in order to get to the princess. So he hired Count HamanRugen – he’s Swedish – to “eliminate” MordeWestley. Count HamanRugen hired 3 brilliant men to bring the princess to the castle knowing that MordeWestley would come to rescue her and then he would be able to “eliminate” MordeWestley. When I say brilliant, let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons compared to these guys. The 3 brilliant men he sent out were Vizzigtan, Inigo Monteresh, and CharFezzik. They each could only speak one phrase of English. Vizzigtan could only say “inconceivable!” but he didn’t really know what it means. Inigo Monteresh could only say “Hello. My name is Inigo Monteresh. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Charfezzik knew more of the language and was especially good at rhyming.

Just as intended, the 3 geniuses captured the princess and MordeWestley went after her to rescue her. They were able to successfully bring the princess to King Humperveirosh but MordeWestley eventually caught up with them. MordeWestley was able to kill Vizzigtan very quickly and painlessly using Iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. After MordeWestley “eliminated” Vizzigtan, Inigo Monteresh and CharFezzik decided to help him rescue the princess. CharFezzik told MordeWestley all about King Humperveirosh’s and Count HamanRugen’s plans to kill him and dump him in the Pit of Despair which one could get to via a tree that was about 50 Amot tall, almost as tall as CharFezzik. Inigo Monteresh just kept repeating that one line……which literally almost killed MordeWestley. He passed out from annoyance and would not wake up. They needed a Miracle! Inigo Monteresh and CharFezzik brought MordeWestley to Miracle Max and his witch...I mean wife Valerie who said they could revive MordeWestley because he was only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do…. Go through his clothes and look for loose change. Miracle Max gave them a miracle pill. The chocolate coating makes it go down easier, but you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency, and he shouldn't go swimming after for at least--An hour--Yeah, an hour--A good hour.

When MordeWestley awoke, Inigo Monteresh had to quickly learn more than just that one phrase so as not to almost kill MordeWestley again. So he did. He said a mouthful. He explained the situation to MordeWestley – explain, no, there was too much. He summed up. "Buttercup is to marry CHumperveirosh in a little less than chalf an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape, after I kill Count CHamanRugen."

The 3 of them were successful. They recaptured the princess! But in order to make their escape, they had to go through the Fire Swamp where they found many interesting things such as Fruits Of Unusual Sizes (FOUS’s) and the flame spurt, which is no problem because there's a popping sound preceding each.

MordeWestley and Princess Buttercup escaped and were able to get married. They hired a very Impressive Clergyman to be Mesader Kiddushin and of course Inigo Monteresh and CharFezzik were Eidei – well everything…. The Mesader Kiddushin began his speech – “Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togeda today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wifin a dweam……” but no one likes speeches under the chupah….. “Harei At”….Say “Harei At”…..said Princess (Esther) Buttercup, in order to move the wedding along. The Impressive Clergy then asked MordeWestley, “Have you da wing?” And he did.

Eventually, the wedding ended and Princess Buttercup and MordeWestley were married and since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.

But our story doesn't end there. Princess Esther Buttercup and MordeWestley decided to throw a kiddush to celebrate in shul with all the people who couldn't travel out to Florin to be at the wedding. The wanted to have some Fruits Of Unusual Size (FOUS's) and some Popcorn - there's a popping sound preceding each kernel, and of course some Cholent, where the mutton is nice and lean... But they didn't have any money for the kiddush. So they decided to go into Piracy. MordeWestley made a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts.

~ The End ~

And now I bid you all a farewell.

I do not envy you the headache you will have after reading this. But, in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women.

And Sponsor the Kiddush!

!!!Happy (after)Purim!!!

p.s. Was that not the best story ever?! How could you Not sponsor the kiddush after that?
p.p.s. As always, if you want to be removed from this email list, just let me know. No hard feelings. I'll still let you have some cholent.
p.p.p.s. Just to be clear, this does not imply that this week will be a hot kiddush. That will depend on how much money we get.


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