Thursday, January 26, 2006

You might think I'm a pathological liar....

What's more fun than making up fun stories when the truth is really boring? Telling the truth and letting people make their own assumptions to the point where they think something happened when really nothing did. And everything you said is 100% true. But people hear what they want to hear. I'll give you an example.
This is the story of something that happened to me. Everything I'm about to type is true. I have friends who can vouch for me.
I went to a bar one night. There were some men there who offered me drinks. When I left, I had a very hard time driving home. Then I got pulled over by the police. When I woke up the next morning, I had a terrible headache.
What are you thinking? So all the people I told, who are supposed to be good friends of mine, all SCREEEEAMED at me for driving drunk. Very good friends. If you know me at all, you would know that 1. I never drink anything more potent than Mountain Dew and when I last checked, that didn't count towards driving drunk. and 2. I'm a little more responsible than that. But my friends heard this story and yelled at me for driving drunk. So I replied to them that I never said anything about driving drunk or even about having a drink. Then everyone was confused. So I explained. See the bold.
1. I went to a bar one night. I was at a wedding in a hotel and there was a bar where they were playing the Yankees-Redsox playoff series - I think it was 2004....
2. There were some men there who offered me drinks. I had forgotten that there are other people on the planet who might not understand the concept of "shtick". I looked a little funny. So they kept saying to me "you look like you need a drink!" Of course I did not take one!
3. When I left, I had a very hard time driving home. I was reeeeeally tired and it was late and I was driving from Connecticut to NY after dancing like crazy at a wedding
4. Then I got pulled over by the police. My tail lights happened to be broken - which I didn't know. (The cop told me and I was like "are you kidding me?" and he was like "Ma'am, would I BE standing here if I were kidding?!")
5. When I woke up the next morning, I had a terrible headache. B/c I was soooo tired and hadn't slept enough.

So that was my totally true story. And look what havoc I caused.

OOOOH I have another one! I have a very close friend named "Yonah Berman". Of course that's not his real name. I never put real names on my blog so as to protect identities. So "Yonah" is a boy - and you'll see why I specify that. "Yonah" and I used to hang out in college illegally till around 3am. Then we had kids, at which point he gave me a ring. Then we went to the mikvah together. Then we shared an apt. All 100% true!
Now I bet I know what you're thinking. But here's the real explanation. See Bolded.

1. "Yonah" and I used to hang out in college illegally till around 3am. He used to come down to Stern and at some point the guards would kick the guys out. When it was too cold to hang out outside, we used to walk to the Citibank on 32nd and Park and hand out in the ATM vestibule. After doing this for a long time, we noticed a sign posted that said something like "No Loitering under penalty of law..." Something like that.
2. Then we had kids, We were NCSY advisors together. But it's waaaay more fun to say it this way.
3. at which point he gave me a ring. We took our ncsy'ers to an indoor amusement park where you play games and get tickets to redeem for prizes. "Yonah" redeemed some tickets and gave me the prize - a plastic yellow & pink smiley face ring - which by the way, he handed to me after saying loudly "לא לשם קדושין" - which means he didn't mean anything about marriage by handing me that ring - just so it was clear to all who witnessed it - b/c he did purchase the ring with his own money and it was worth more than a פרוטה and there could have been witnesses - like the NCSY'ers - some of whom are over bar mitzvah - who were watching all confused.
4. Then we went to the mikvah together. After our event at the indoor amusement park, "Yonah" and I decided to help a friend who was getting married soon move into his new apt. So "Yonah" and I took all the dishes and went to the keilim mikvah to tovel them.
5. Then we shared an apt. I lived in an apt and when I moved out, "Yonah" moved in.

So that's my story. totally true and gets a lot of fun looks of horror and confusion from other people. Totally worth it!

Monday, January 23, 2006

I'm not a pathological liar

I have never been able to pull off a prank or a joke or a lie successfully without cracking up and giving myself away....until one day, when I totally surprised myself.
A friend of mine was in from London and had never been to New York before so I took a day off from work to play tour guide. He told me about all the exciting things he had done and seen so far - like Stern College, and all the different types of shampoo of one brand. But what made him the most excited was that he was able to eat kosher veggie pepperoni pizza. Apparently they don't have that in London. He was soooo excited about it, that he couldn't stop talking about it. It was really kinda funny how a normal guy from London was so incredible excited about something that we take for granted. So of course we had to go out for lunch to Pizza Cave where we could get this veggie pepperoni pizza.
Then we were shmoozing about what he wanted to do and see the rest of the day and I asked him if he likes fishing. He said that he likes fishing but it's kinda pointless b/c you can't keep what you catch b/c of kashrut and stuff. So, in a completely normal tone, I said "Well ya know, there's a kosher fishing pond in Brooklyn where all the fish are kosher so you can totally keep whatever you catch." Now you can only imagine how excited he was. He had just finished his incredible kosher pizza and now I just told him there's a totally kosher fishing pond in Brooklyn where you can keep whatever you catch. His whole face lit up and he screamed "REALLY?!?!?" And with a big smile on my face, knowing I had just pulled off a joke for the first time in my life, I said " was just kidding". Then we both laughed a lot.
The funniest part of this story is not that a stranger believed me, and not that I totally tricked someone. The funniest - and also scariest in a way - part of this story is that when I retold it to friends, some who grew up in NY, even in Brooklyn, I would get to the part about the kosher fishing pond and these friends, who grew up here, also believed me! I was a little in shock that people here fell for it. But hey, I pulled it off again and again so score for me!
After this story, I decided that sometimes, it's fun to make up stories and see how far you can go with them. For example, my name in modern hebrew means closet. Really, I wasn't named after anything having to do with a closet. I was named after my grandfather. But when people ask me what my name means, or where it comes from, it's fun to just say that my name means closet and I got it b/c my parents met in a coat room, much like the squishy one in shul, and that's why they named me after a closet. And people fall for it. It is amazing!
Another fun "story" I've told is how I met people in my neighborhood. I was at a meal once with a very random mix of people in the same room. There were about 20 people at the meal and I happen to know most of them from random places like the neighborhood or from college or wherever. The girl sitting next to me asked me how I know everyone there. So I said to her "See that guy over there? We used to play in the sandbox when we were 3". She thought that was the cutest thing. So did I. That's why I made it up. But then I told her the truth, that I actually met him in shul much like most of the people at the meal. I started using that line about the sandbox a lot more until someone had heard it for the second time and caught me. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted.
Someone pointed out to me that if I keep making up stories like that, one day, people will stop believing me. So I slowed down.....a little. So I'm really not a pathological liar. I just like to have fun with people's heads once in a while. It keeps people on their toes and it makes my day waaay more fun.