Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Down with Hypocrisy

I hate hypocrisy. I can not stand when someone says something to me and then does the opposite. For example, the other day, I was clicking my pen on and off. I will admit it got annoying. So my favorite coworker yelled at me to stop. Ok. I did. Meanwhile, she sits at her desk clicking away as if someone is going to break her hands. Well guess what, favorite coworker! I am going to break your hands if you don't stop clicking that pen! I love you!

New York Red Sox?

1) The Yankees just got Johnny Damon
2) The Yankees are thinking about Nomar
3) The Mets are getting Manny Ramirez
4) Last year, the Mets got Pedro

So are all the Red Sox gonna slowly move one by one to NY? Will Johnny Damon shave and cut his hair? He looks kinda scary.

OMG! Why are they putting Damon ahead of Jeter?! He's been on the team since forever ago! And he's such a good player and a good person. He's always the first one out of the dugout to congratulate the person who comes around home plate. He has seniority! Why is he getting bumped for a former enemy?!?! Not Right!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Of Rice and Men

Did you ever see on TV or in stores "as seen on TV" those crazy utensils that only exist b/c someone probably lost something in their kitchen like their minds and now they can't peel their banana so they invent the new "banananator 2000!" tm? and then everyone buys one and has to have one and everyone uses it b/c it's sooo much easier than peeling the banana yourself. So I have bought some of those b/c I fall for those things. I'm sure we all have. and I think they're all stupid and a waste of money. But I will admit they do the job.
However, I was at a shabbat meal a few weeks ago and I saw the craziest thing. There was a bowl of rice on the table with the craziest utensil in it in order to dish out rice. it was a fork. I fully understand buying a super duper pooper scooper which is supposed to be used know.... but why would you put a fork in a rice bowl? is it a tease? are you not supposed to eat the rice? is it a trick to see who can figure out how to get the most rice out of the bowl and get it successfully onto their plates? I don't understand.
What made me think of this today was that at work, one of the things they were serving for lunch was pasta made of small noodles. And once again, the serving utensil was a kinda spork - a half spoon, half fork. like coming out of the handle is a spoon, but then it switches to a 3 prong fork. Now I ask you, how am I supposed to pick up anything with such a device?
I think God is trying to tell me something.... Don't buy stupid useless utensils!

Friday, December 16, 2005

Why I no longer take showers

here's a funny story - by funny I mean yuo'll laugh, me not so much.
my apt. has a drain clogging issue. I get in the shower and then I drown. good thing I'm a life guard. apparently the super doesn't seem to think this is as big of an issue as watering the flowers outside the building - in the winter! so I got the temperature perfect and as I was smack in the middle of my shower, the water level was getting near the rim of the tub. so I had to turn off the water for a while to let the water go down so that I could finish my shower. then I turned it back on and, in trying to re-find the right temperature, I was also filling the tub with more water, while the water that was still there was not really draining that fast. oh you think that's annoying. well you're right. but it gets sooooo much worse.
so I re-found the perfect temperature and was just finishing up and getting everything out of my hair when I noticed that the pool that I was standing in - still not draining - was now dark brown. (nothing bilogical - don't worry - I wouldn't share that!) I dunno what it was but I was now showering in and standing in brown water. so I quickly jumped out and grabbed my freshly washed towel and turned off the water. but wait...there's more... I safely escaped the gross brown cespool (I dunno how to spell that but that looks good to me) only to realize that I now had brown kinda crumbs on my hands - and therefore probably on my body and probably on my towel that I just took out of the wash. so why nt wait for the tap to clear up and get back in the shower, right? Wrong! my drain is still clogged and not draining the water. so now, I have a tub about to overflow. but not even with clear water, rather with brown water. so I couldnt' get back in the shower b/c I would be standing in the brown water. but I dind't want to get dressed b/c I am now all dirty after my shower. what to do..... so in my infinite lack-of-sleeping wisdom, I thought I'll just turn the shower head a little and lean over the side of the tub to at least clean myself off a little so I could put a shirt on so I could walk out of the bathroom and do other stuff while I wait for the water to drain. so I did just that and guess what.....I made a mess on the floor of my bathroom - albeit a clean water mess - but still a mess. so I went to clean it up and lo and behold, we are running out of paper towels! and no way in hell I'm using my real towel to clean the floor and of course we don't have a mop. so I used minimal paper towels and pray that the heat in the bathroom from my perfect temperature water will just evaporated the remaining water without leaving mold and grossness anywhere. only time will tell - altho there's already mold and grossness b/c that is apparently also not a priority for the super.

and that is why I will no longer be taking showers. I don't take baths b/c I have this intense fear that someone's gonna come in and drown me. I always yell at those stupid ppl in the movies and on TV who are in a freakin' murder movie and they never see teh dude coming! and then they die. so I don't want to die. and I certainly don't want to die in a pool of brown grossness. so I will no longer be using my tub or shower.

and by the way, I subsequently found a mop in my apt.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

crazy phone call

This was an actual conversation I had today:
"Hello Synagogue office, how can I help you?"
"Yes, Hi. I'm looking for a Synagogue"

How do you even answer that?!?