Only the best processed crap!

I went to a Dr this morning for a check-up. One of the things she asked me was where I get most of my dairy intake from. so I said cheese - mostly mac & cheese...yummmm

She started saying something about the powdered stuff...it's bad...etc... So I said "Oh no no. I don't eat that processed crap. I eat American cheese"

Don't leave me

I just had a conversation with a friend and she decided she had to go. I tried to convince her not to, but to no avail.

Friend: I need to take a shower. I'll be back.
Me: I need to take an ax to someone's head. What's your point? I'm not doing mine!

Alas, she left me. I thought I had a pretty convincing argument. I guess not. Oh well.

The Purim Princess Bride

3 years ago, I had a theme for my costume and my mishloach manot. It was the Princess Bride. I was the 6-fingered man and my friend was Inigo Montoya. For the Mishloach Manot, I "re-wrote" the story of the Princess Bride to fit in with the Purim story. Then, at the end, I explained each food item in the Mishloach Manot - which were all straight from the story. It was awesome! So here it is. (It's a little long....but totally worth it.) Enjoy.

Huge Disclaimer: Because this is on a blog that really anyone can read, I'm a little nervous about being sued. So I want to say that most of this story might sound like direct quotes from the movie, The Princess Bride, the most awesomest movie ever - unlike Napolean Dynamite - the worst movie ever, "Yehuda"! Anyways, if you think that some of my words sound like direct quotes from The Princess Bride, that's because they are. If you hadn't figured that out, then either you did not see the movie - please come over right now and watch it with me! - or you are not paying attention - so WAKE UP AND SMELL THE IOCANE! (That didn't even make sense because, as we all know, Iocane powder is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.) I think that's good enough. Go....Have fun reading the story......think it'll be funny......it'll take a miracle!

The Real Story of Purim

So you thought you knew the story of Purim, eh? Well guess again. That Megillah you heard today was just the story they want you to hear. We are offering you the real story. But you can’t tell anyone……it’s a secret….shshshshshsh…..

The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern, with a little help from Arona.

Chapter One.
Buttercup (who’s real name was Esther, but she didn’t want anyone to know she was from the Megillah) was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite pastimes were learning Toyrah and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was MordeWestley, but she never called him that. She called him Farm Boy. For example, she might say something like "Farm Boy, fetch me that pitcher." “As you wish” was all he ever said to her. That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'As you wish', what he meant was, “I love you.” And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

Meanwhile, King Humperveirosh decided he needed a new wife and set his sights on Princess (Esther) Buttercup. However, he soon learned that she was in love with MordeWestley and he would have to eliminate MordeWestley in order to get to the princess. So he hired Count HamanRugen – he’s Swedish – to “eliminate” MordeWestley. Count HamanRugen sent out 3 to bring the princess to the castle knowing that MordeWestley would come to rescue her and then he would be able to “eliminate” MordeWestley. The 3 brilliant men he sent out were Vizzini Bigtan, Inigo Monteresh, and CharFezzik. They each could only speak one phrase of English. Vizzini could only say “inconceivable!” but he didn’t really know what it means. Inigo Monteresh could only say “Hello. My name is Inigo Monteresh. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Charfezzik knew more of the language and was especially good at rhyming.

Just as intended, the 3 captured the princess and MordeWestley went after her to rescue her. They were able to successfully bring the princess to King Humperveirosh but MordeWestley eventually caught up with them. MordeWestley was able to kill Vizzini Bigtan very quickly and painlessly using Iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. After MordeWestley “eliminated” Vizzini Bigtan, Inigo Monteresh and CharFezzik decided to help him rescue the princess. CharFezzik told MordeWestley all about King Humperveirosh’s and Count HamanRugen’s plans to kill him and dump him in the Pit of Despair which one could get to via a tree that was about 50 Amot tall. Inigo Monteresh just kept repeating that one line……which literally almost killed MordeWestley. He passed out from annoyance and would not wake up. They needed a Miracle! Inigo Monteresh and CharFezzik brought MordeWestley to Miracle Max and Valerie who said they could revive MordeWestley because he was only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do…. Go through his clothes and look for loose change. Miracle Max gave them a miracle pill. The chocolate coating makes it go down easier, but you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency, and he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least--An hour--Yeah, an hour--A good hour.

When MordeWestley awoke, Inigo Monteresh had to quickly learn more than just the one phrase so as not to almost kill MordeWestley again. So he did. He said a mouthful. He explained the situation to MordeWestley – explain, no, there is too much. He summed up. Buttercup is to marry CHumperveirosh in a little less than chalf an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape, after I kill Count CHamanRugen.

The 3 of them were successful. They recaptured the princess! But in order to make their escape, they had to go through the Fire Swamp where they found many interesting things such as Fruits Of Unusual Sizes (FOUS’s) and the flame spurt, which is no problem because there's a popping sound preceding each.

MordeWestley and Princess Buttercup escaped and were able to get married. They hired a very Impressive Clergyman to be Mesader Kiddushin and of course Inigo Monteresh and CharFezzik were Eidei – well everything…. The Mesader Kiddushin began his speech – “Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wifin a dweam……” but no one likes speeches under the chupah….. “Harei At”….Say “Harei At”…..said Princess (Esther) Buttercup, in order to move the wedding along. The Impressive Clergy then asked MordeWestley, “Have you da wing?” And he did.

Eventually, the wedding ended and Princess Buttercup and MordeWestley were married and since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.

~ The End ~

And now I bid you all a farewell.

I do not envy you the headache you will have when you sober up. But, in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women.

!!!Happy Purim!!!

Enjoy our treats straight from the story!

• Popcorn - There's a popping sound preceding each kernel
• Iocane Powder – or crystal light drink mix - It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. But don’t worry because we spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder. But that might not help you……
• Some Pits of Despair – found mostly in apples
• FOUS’s – Fruits Of Unusual Sizes – such as giant clementines or small grapefruits
• Kisses - since the invention of the kiss by Hershey’s, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind – mostly because it’s chocolate!
• Fig Newtons – having nothing to do with the story, we just wanted a mezonot for our mishloach manot.

The Great Falafel Strike

I hate Pitas. You might be wondering how could anyone hate Pitas. They are so yummy, they have a nice pocket you can fill with basically anything. You're right. I love those pitas. I hate the other kind of PITAs.
PITA = Pain In The A...Butt (I have to keep this G-rated, ya know....for all the younger reader).
Some people have been driving me crazy lately. They are now referred to as PITA's. This is my new favorite phrase and I will use it forever as it is so perfectly fabulous.
So to whomever taught this to me, whom I can't remember, thank you so much. I love this new phrase. And to whomever is a PITA, I don't like you.....a lot.... Stop being such a PITA!!!

Are you calling me fat?!

My friends and I have this running joke. Whenever someone says anything about your appearance, the proper female response is "Are you calling me fat?" For example, if someone says something like "Oh, your skirt matches your eyes", you would say "Are you calling me fat?"

One day at work, I got the munchies and I raided the kiddush closet to see what was leftover from the Shabbat Kiddush. I needed one of the maintenance men to get the key for me. When he saw how much food I was taking - I was just shopping in bulk so I wouldn't have to bother him again - so when he saw how much food I was taking, he said "oooh Arooona....what...????" I said back " Well, I have to fatten myself up". He said back to me, "awww....no you don't...."

Are you calling me fat?????

Israel must be pretty holy if it's that close to Hashem!

I was recently asked about an early memory I had and how I felt at that time. The only thing I could come up with is this: When I was in a playgroup, I guess I was about 3 or 4 or something, one of my teachers told us she's going off to Israel. I remember thinking I know you take a plane to get to Israel, and I know planes go up. But I didn't know planes also come down at the end. So I thought Israel must be located in the sky. That makes so much sense because it's so holy and it's closer to Hashem. That made all the sense in the world to me.
Then they ask you how you felt at the time of the memory. My friend was trying to overthink it and she suggested I have issues with abandonment because my teacher was leaving, and not coming back down...etc. Honestly, I dunno how I felt then, but now, thinking back, it's the funniest thing to me. How cute was I?!