How are you? Actually, I don't care.....

I don't know how many of "you" remember there was a commercial on TV a few years ago where a bunch of people were in a bar and they all said to eachother, "Hey, How are ya?" "Great, how are you?" "Great, ok bye". Very quick short answers, no real information exchanged. But then there was a person obviously from the south somewhere and someone asked him also "Hey how are ya?" and he went on and on and on......in his thick southern accent.... "I'm fine. I just got in today from texas. my flight was ok............................" On and on and on and no one really cared.
I feel like people don't really care about answers anymore. They just ask how are you just to have something to say. But no one really wants to hear about how your week was or how your job is or how yummy your niece is - b/c of course they also have a niece and unbiasly, she must be cuter than your niece....altho no one is cuter than my niece....of course. So when people ask me how I'm doing, I don't care what they really mean. I'm gonna tell them exactly how I'm doing, dammit!
Someone I hadn't seen in a while - which in my neighborhood, a while for not seeing a friend is like a week - so she asked me the other day how I am. So I told her all about my hard week and my job and my niece and my plans for the next week and stuff. She had this look on her face like "whoa I didn't really want to know". So I felt bad. but hey, she asked.

Read this ASAP

I was text messaging someone the other day to call me whenever she gets a chance. It wasn't an emergency. I just needed to ask her something. So I was going to say to her to call me whenever she can. I wanted to say as soon as possible. But to write all that in a text message is too much. So I could write ASAP but I feel like that acronym has taken on a different meaning. I feel like if you say to someone to do anything ASAP, they think you mean drop everything and do it now. But really, it just means As Soon As Possible......i.e. if you're doing something else, like trying to get the cereal out of the oven before it burns, then please don't burn your cereal for me.
Honestly, how many of read this post ASAP?

stupid people are only alive b/c it's illegal to kill them - part 2

I was standing in the subway station waiting for the elevator to come take me up to the street - b/c of course the way they built the stupid station, there's no other way to get to the street than using the elevator. so there I stood waiting for an elevator. In the station, there were 3 elevators, each with a big sign next to them. One had a big black sign saying "staffed elevator" on top and the spanish translation under it. The middle elevator had a big black sign saying "unstaffed elevator" on top and again the spanish translation under it. The third elevator was opened but it had a big red sign next to it that said "out of order" and under that, it said "fuera de servicio" - the spanish translation. I was standing there, purposely not entering the "out of order" elevator b/c I can read and I know it doesn't work. Well, someone got to the station after me, walked right past me, and went in to the broken elevator. I said to her "I think it's out of service" and she looked up, saw the big red sign, and said "oh, ok, thanx".

Now that makes me wonder. Did she not see me, like the Great Gazoo? And if she did see me, wouldn't she wonder why I'm just standing there when there's an elevator sitting there opened? And also, how do you miss the hugeungous red sign right next to the elevator that clearly said on it "elevator out of service"??? I dunno......

perspective on 9th of Av

My friend mark, who doesn't have a blog of his own, asked me to post this on my blog since he knows how popular I am and how many readers I have. His website is www.seas.upenn.edu/~mdredze if you want to reach him. Here's his post:

Every year on Tisha Ba’av we hear a whole list of events that happened to the Jewish people on this day. Every year when I hear this incredible list, I always know that some of them are wrong. Most of the tragic events that have happened to Jews are attributed to the 9th of Av. Well, this year I decided I would look up and actually debunk any of these dates that were incorrect. In shul tonight the rabbi mentioned three events that occurred on Tisha Ba’av, 1) The expulsion from England, 2) The expulsion from Spain, 3) The start of WWI. I decided to look at each of these three events.

Claim 1) Expulsion from England, 1290
According to http://www.heretical.com/British/jews1290.html:
“On 18 July 1290 every professing Jew in England was ordered out of the Realm, for ever, by King Edward I. Between sixteen and seventeen thousand Jews had to flee, and none dared return until four hundred years later.”

Now before we do any date calculations, we must remember that Europe wasn’t yet using the Gregorian calendar. The Julian calendar is difficult to compute, so I will just give the facts and let someone else do the math. The Gregorian calendar added 10 days to the Julian calendar (October 4, 1582 to October 15, 1582) to correct for past mistakes. Therefore, date calculations using standard Jewish calendar programs will be off. According to www.hebcal.com, July 18, 1290 is the Hebrew day Av 2, 5050. That is obviously off because of the calendar switch. To get the correct date we must take off the ten days that were added so we get the original date. If we subtract 10 days and go back to Jul 7, 1290 to account for the date change we get Tammuz 20. Now this is tricky business as the Julian calendar was losing days over the years so it might not be exactly Jul 7. But since days were added, it cannot be forward in the calendar, and thus no later than Av 2. That isn’t Av 9 (in case you were wondering.)
Conclusion: False claim.

Claim 2) Expulsion from Spain, 1492
According to http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/Judaism/expulsion.html the Jewish expulsion from Spain was decreed on March 30 and occurred 4 months later on July 30, 1492. That date converts directly, and incorrectly, to Tammuz 26, 5252. If we subtract the necessary 10 days as before to July 19 we get Tammuz 15, 5252.
Conclusion: False claim.

Claim 3) The Start of WWI
This is a bit trickier. WWI didn’t start on a specific day really. It all depends on what day you consider the start of WWI. The whole of events in 1914 that began the war did occur around the time of Tisha Ba’av. Tisha Ba’av of that year was on August 1, 1914. The most important event was probably the assassination of Franz Ferdinand, Archduke of Austria. That occurred on June 28, 1914 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_war_i). The Austria-Hungary ultimatum to Serbia was July 23, 1914. The first country to declare war was Austria-Hungary on July 28, 1914. Russia mobilized on July 31. Germany declared war on Russia on Aug 1. Germany invaded Luxembourg on Aug 2. They declared war on France on Aug 3. UK declared war on Germany on Aug 4. The dates go on and on. So in there somewhere an event did happen on Tisha Ba’av. Was it the most important event that started WWI? No. Was it the first declaration of war? No. Was it the first troop movements or fighting? No. Was it the first official declaration of war by a major power? Yes. Does that mean WWI started on Tisha Ba’av? That’s up to you.
Conclusion: Has some historical basis, depends on your interpretation.

There are many more claims that people make but I don’t have time to go through them. Please comment on any other claims you have heard and we can look at those as well.

almost doesn't count

a friend of mine told me about this website - almostmetjew.com It's a site where you can write about someone you saw somewhere or met somewhere and missed an opportunity but you still wanna find that person.
I found this post on it about me! - http://www.almostmetjew.com/index.php?method=showdetails&list=advertisement&rollid=37&fromfromlist=advertisement_popular&fromfrommethod=showhtmllist

I still haven't answered b/c I want a reeeeally good response. stay tuned..... any ideas?

one day, this same friend of mine emailed me this link - http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/611495.html - it's an article about the post on almostmetjew.......how funny???

no meat and no chametz make homer something something.....

so I had the weirdest dream the other nite. I dreamt that not only was it the 9 days, but also it was pesach. so no meat and no chametz. I panicked the rest of the dream. then I woke up and realized it can't be pesach on the 9 days b/c pesach is only 8 days! silly! hehehehe.....

Join the MTETPIWJTTS

I think ppl in general have a warped sense of time. Allow me to explain. Did you ever ask someone to do something and beg them, saying something like “Oh it’ll just take two seconds”? And then 1/2 hour later, they’re really pissed at you? Well I think ppl who say that should be shot! Well maybe not shot, but they should stop saying it. I am starting a movement - the Movement To Eliminate The Phrase "It Will Just Take Two Seconds" - or the MTETPIWJTTS. B/c it never really takes two seconds. That’s all a lie. Like when my roommate told me to take the garbage out when I was already running late in getting to work. She said it will just take two seconds. Well it didn't. b/c instead of flying down the stairs - and taking out a few ppl in the process - and just just making it to the train, I now had to stand on the 5th floor and wait for the elevator to come, plus the elevator has an outside door so I had to wait till it closed before the real elevator door could close, then I had to take it to the basement and leave the elevator to throw out the garbage - i.e. let the elevator go and then have to wait for it to come back down to the basement. So this whole process did not “just take 2 seconds”. No no no. It took about 7 minutes. Now 7 minutes may be nothing at 10:26pm on a Tuesday nite when there's nothing on TV and nothing to do. But in the morning, when you're running late to work, it can make a world of difference.
So I am starting a movement to eliminate that untruth-ism “It’ll just take two seconds”. Because we all know it won’t. So the next time you verbalize that falsehood, think about what you’re saying. It’ll just take two seconds.

stupid people are only alive b/c it's illegal to kill them

I work in a shul office. one of my many jobs is answering phones. I always answer the phone the same way, "hello, synagogue office, how can I help you?" I usually get things like "ok you can help me, what time is mincha?" or "yes can you tell me....." Sometimes I get "is this the synagogue?" But today was the kicker. it's like bad ncsy shtick. The phone rang and I answered the phone as I always do. Here's how it went down:
me: "hello, synagogue office, how can I help you?"
woman: "is this (insert name of shul here which I am too scared to post in case some random person from said shul reads this)?"
me: yes.
woman: "can you connect me to the synagogue?"
me: "this is the synagogue!"